Love is a Memory
by izzythebomb
Summary: For 6 years Matthew waited. All the while he wondered when, if ever, Gilbert would wake up. And when he did, would they pick up where they left off? Or would they be forced apart by this giant bump in there relationship? When Gilbert finally does wake up more questions are made rather then answered. NOT A REAL WORLD AU. Kind of sad. Rated M for possible smut chapters later. . .
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys! First fanfiction on this site! I'm planning on making this one really deep compared to my ones on other sites. Wanna know about other things I've written? Just ask! **

**I have high hopes for this story! R&amp;R please, and know that I'm hoping to update as often as possible! Reviews make me update faster! ON TO THE STORY!**

"You're late, ."

"I'm aware… Can I still see him?"

"Of course. But it'll have to be quick."

"Thank you so much."

They began to walk.

"Has he woken up?"

"I'm afraid not."

"Oh."

It became silent, excusing the sound of their light footsteps against the tiled floor and the ticking of the clocks. One clock every ten metres; Matthew never understood why they were there. He hoped he wouldn't be coming to this place long enough to find out.

"Here we are."

The sound of their footsteps ceased as they stopped in front of a closed door. It was unlocked, as usual. It was always the same.

"Thank you."

"Please, there's no need for you to thank me."

Mathew didn't reply. This conversation happened every day, and he always stopped replying after that. Instead, he tightly gripped the cold metal handle and walked into the dark room. Usually the room was bright. Then again, Mathew usually arrived hours earlier than eight o'clock PM.

The doctor left, and Matthew walked deeper into the room until he was able to sit in the chair directly beside the bed. The chair was colder than usual, having not been basking in the windows sunlight for at least an hour, probably more. It was winter, after all. It got darker at earlier hours.

As Matthew sat in the cold chair his eyes stayed trained on the body laying on the bed. How something so terrible could be happening to such a wonderful person, would never understand.

He didn't bother crying. He was out of tears.

He didn't bother begging for the man to wake up. He was through with asking.

He didn't even bother grabbing the pale hand of the man he'd once called his lover and stroking the soft palms that he'd grown so attached to. He couldn't remember a time while this beautiful man was conscious where they weren't holding hands.

Of coarse, five years is a long time to remember such petty things.

And so, Matthew just sat there and stared at the seemingly lifeless body. His eyes attempted to find new things to memorize about the albino skin, but everything was already so implanted in his mind that he could probably be half way across the world and still able to paint of perfect portrait of the man.

"I still haven't forgotten about you," he whispered to the man, though Matthew wasn't foolish enough to actually believe that the man, Gilbert was his name, could hear him. was aware that Gilbert was to far in slumber to hear anything. "You didn't forget about me. You never did. You were the first one to really notice me in the first place. I guess…" He paused. He was so terribly sure that he'd run out of tears, but his eyes were now stinging. He supposed it was because he usually didn't talk to Gilbert's slumbering self. At least, not like this. "I guess it's because i want you to know that I still do love you. I'm repaying the favor I guess… Because I haven't forgotten about you. It's been five years Gil-" Matthew choked, saying the name proving to be a hard task as a single tear ran down his cheek, "It's been five years and I still haven't gone a day without visiting."

There was a long silence after that. Matthew wanted so desperately for Gilbert to answer. He wanted the albino to smile at him, tell him everything was alright, and then take him into his arms for hours. That's what Gilbert had always done when Matthew was sad. Without fail, the albino always comforted him. Was it so much to ask that Gilbert wake up for even one minute just to hold Matthew?

"I seen Alfred today," Matthew continued. He didn't understand why he was talking to someone who wasn't capable of listening. "We talked about you. I was strong Gilbert, I didn't cry." He smiled, finding the name rolled off his tongue a bit easier this time and the tears were no longer stinging his eyes. "I wondered if maybe I didn't cry because I just didn't care anymore. I realized that I do. I care so much still. But you've got to understand that it's been five years… This is getting hard for me." He took a deep breath, and for once actually allowed himself to capture Gilbert's hand in his own. It was so cold. "Alfred suggested I should move on. He said you'd understand. As if he'd know what you'd think… He never liked you to begin with."

Matthew once again paused, as if awaiting an answer.

Why did he wait if he knew it would never come?

"I thought about it though. Maybe he was right. Maybe I should move on. Maybe you would understand." Yet another pause, though this one shorter. Matthew just needed a second to collect himself because the tears were once again stinging. "You never forgot me, and I won't ever forget you. But it's been five years. Five years alone. Five years cold. Five years waiting. Gilbert, I miss you, so much. But maybe… Maybe I should move on. I can't keep waiting like this."

Matthew released the cold, unmoving hand. Matthew let the tears sting, and he let them fall slowly down his cheeks. "My God, I miss you… I promise I always will. But I have to say goodbye Gilbert. Please understand…"

Another Pause…

"Ivan asked me to go out for some drinks. I think I'm going to accept his offer. I think I'm ready to let go of you. So… If you hear me right now, and if I'm the only reason you're still fighting-" Matthew choked on a sob, "If you're fighting to live for me, then stop. Just let go. Please Gilbert, I can't keep waiting."

As he continued to sob Matthew watched Gilbert's face. No movement, no words. Just a blank expression with slow and shaky breaths passing the slightly opened lips.

"Answer me," Matthew sobbed, and he slowly began to get angry. "Answer me, damn it! Answer!" There was, obviously, no answer. "Gilbert! Answer me, now!" Matthew was crying and basically screaming and within seconds the doctor had rushed in with a nurse.

Matthew struggled against the doctors large arms as they held him back. "Come on, calm down son." The older man was trying to soothe him, trying to calm him down. Matthew knew that. He was registering as much.

He just didn't care.

He kept at it, struggling against the grip the doctor was holding around him while screaming at Gilbert. He screamed '_Wake up' _and '_Answer me' _and things of the likes over and over until his throat burned and cracked. His screams reduced to shouts, which soon became sobs. Those sobs transferred to whispers, which minutes later became silence. Matthew had run out of energy. He'd ran out of tears. just couldn't do it anymore.

After the doctor let him go the nurse informed him it was time to leave. With a silent nod, Matthew complied. He apologized for his outrageous behavior, only to be told that he had nothing to apologize for. But, of course, he did.

Before leaving he asked for just one more moment alone with the patient, and his wish was granted. He and Gilbert were once again alone in the hospital room. Gilbert stayed laying silently on the bed, making it so obvious that he was in a coma. Matthew stood beside him with a frown, making it so obvious that he was extremely depressed and upset.

"I'm sorry Gilbert, I'm not coming back. Please, if you need to let go then do it. If you ever do wake up… Well, I don't know what'll happen. I love you. Goodbye."

And with that, Matthew Williams exited the hospital room with a straight face. He walked down the hall silently, excusing the sound of his light footsteps against the tiled floor and the ticking of the clocks. One clock every ten meters; Matthew never understood why they were there. He knew he wouldn't be coming to this place long enough to find out, because this would be his final visit.

* * *

It was silent, excusing the sound of their light footsteps against the tiled floor and the ticking of the clocks. One clock every ten metres; Matthew never understood why they were there, and he was sure he never would.

It'd been a year since the last time Matthew had visited Gilbert, a year since his breakdown in the hospital room. Now everything was different. There was a new doctor taking care of the albino, and the smell of the hospital no longer seemed familiar to Matthew. Matthew had come to be happy with someone new, only to have said person break his heart. And now Matthew Williams had absolutely no idea what to do with himself and was turning to the only person who loved him; an unconscious man who hadn't woken up for 6 years.

To be honest, Matthew felt extremely desperate, but what else could he do? He had no other options.

None.

He very quickly reached the hospital room and entered without a word to the doctor. He already knew Gilbert's current state - holding steady but still in a deep slumber. The doctors were positive he may never wake up.

Matthew agreed with them.

Yet still, he sat in the cold chair beside the sleeping man's bed and stared at his beautiful face for a very long while. Eventually he took a deep breath and began to speak…

"I miss you Gilbert. I know I told you that before, but that doesn't make it any less true. I'm sorry that I gave up on you." He paused, closing his eyes sadly. "Actually, I'm not really. If I was then I wouldn't still be giving up on you. Am I making any sense? Probably not. I'm sorry."

Matthew grabbed Gilbert's hand and gripped it like a lifeline while he stared longingly at the male. He knew he wouldn't, but he wished that Gilbert would wake up.

"I went out with Ivan for, like, nine months. We broke up about a week ago. He cheated on me. It was my fault though, so I guess I have no right to be angry. I should have known anyways… Alfred had started coming over a lot more, and the two of them seemed to have a lot more meetings together… How could I be so stupid?" Of course, as always, Matthew knew there would be no reply from his Gilbert, so he didn't bother waiting for one. He simply kept talking. "So now Alfred and him are officially together I guess. Papa says I should come live with him until Ivan gets his stuff out of my place, but I want to be strong. I mean, I can handle seeing Ivan a few times a day… I should stop calling him Ivan though. Going back to calling him Russia might help me forget about him. I don't even think I really loved him though. Well, maybe I did… I'm really not sure anymore. I don't even know if I love you anymore. It has been 6 years after all."

After that, Matthew didn't speak for a while. He just held Gilbert's hand quietly, trying not to squeeze too hard.

He didn't know how much time had passed since he stopped talking, but something happened that made him gasp. It made tears come to his eyes. It caused him to drop the hand he was clinging too.

_Gilbert had said something._

Matthew didn't understand what it was; honestly, he wasn't even sure what he'd heard was speaking rather than a low growl. But it was something, and it was enough to make Matthew press the little button beside Gilbert's bed that had a sign above it labeled **_If the patient's status changes, please press this button to alert a nurse._**


	2. Chapter 2

**WOAH. Super fast update guys! This chapter kind of sucks cause it's just a really short and badly written filler to explain a bit of how Mattie's feeling. Next chapter will get into the good stuff and will explain a few things... **

Matthew watched in horror as the body thrashed and convulsed, unable to do anything but watch from the plastic chair beside the bed. He wanted to be happy - Gilbert hadn't moved in years, after all - but this was not what Matthew had wanted. This was not what Matthew had expected would happen when Gilbert finally had a change of state.

A nurse, she looked young, ran in and gasped loudly at the sight. At the noise, Matthew spun around and started pleadingly at her. "What's wrong with him?" he asked loudly, fear tracing every word he said.

"He's having a seizure," the girl replied, her voice shaky though she was trying very hard to look and sound calm. She ran over to Gilbert's body but dared not touch him. "There's nothing anyone can do yet. Holding him down could send him into shock… Or even back into a coma…"

"Then what are we supposed to do?!" Matthew begged through screaming sobs, "He needs help! Help him, please! _Please!_"

The girl nodded curtly and began to run towards the door. "I'll get the doctor!" she yelled as she disappeared into the hallway, leaving a sobbing Matthew behind to watch in horror as Gilbert, the man he called his lover so many years ago, lay thrashing and convulsing and shaking in the hospital bed. What was he supposed to do?! He had to do something to help - he had to!

He noticed that the albino's legs were getting tangled and trapped in his blanket… On instinct, Matthew quickly ripped the white fabric away just in time for the doctor to come barreling in.

"Grab his arm and hold it down!" the man ordered one of the new nurses who had entered the room. Everything became a haze of yelling orders and intense fear for Matthew Williams, and the commotion was washing over him in huge waves while tears streamed down his face. He sobbed and begged for the doctor to save him, and for the nurses to help.

Eventually someone started dragging Matthew out of the room.

At first the Canadian thrashed and pulled against whomever was pulling him back, desperate to be by Gilbert's side. "Let me go!" he screamed, his throat quickly burning in protest of the shouts, "I need to save him! Somebody help him! Please!" As minutes that felt like hours passed, Matthew began to break into silent sobs due to the inability to speak. His throat was raw and sore.

Before he knew it, he wasn't even in the hospital room anymore.

* * *

Matthew checked the clock.

_A minute had passed._

He looked back down at his coffee, ashamed at himself for having gone to the cafeteria to get it. While nothing had happened in his absence, something could have. What would he have done if it had?

Matthew checked the clock again. It hadn't changed.

Matthew found it odd, because to him it felt like it'd been hours since he last checked. He turned his head and leaned back a bit to look at the clock that was ten meters away. It hurt to crane his neck in such a way, while also squinting to see, but he needed to be sure that the clock he'd been using was correct.

Both clocks said the same time on them.

Matthew cursed in french quietly under his breath. It'd been an hour since he'd witnessed Gilbert's seizure, and he still wasn't allowed back in the room. Sure, he'd been given some information on the males current state, but not much. _Not enough_.

All the Canadian knew at this point was that Gilbert's seizure had stopped. Nothing more had been told to him and the suspense was killing him. But it did give him time to think…

He wondered if this was finally it, if Gilbert would be awake for good. And if he was, what would it mean for their relationship? Matthew had been with another man while Gilbert was asleep. He'd slept with said man.

_He'd slept with Ivan. _

_In Matthew's bedroom_.

Technically speaking, he'd slept with Ivan in _Gilbert's bedroom_. Before Matthew moved in it had been Gilbert's house. After the Canadian came it had been Matthew and Gilbert's house. Then Gilbert fell into his coma. Matthew assumed that if Gilbert died the house would go to himself.

The thought sickened Matthew. Did that mean he'd hoped Gilbert would die? So that it'd be Matthew's house? Matthew's bedroom?

If Gilbert really was going to be awake from now on, he'd end up sleeping on a mattress that had been soiled by Matthew and his ex boyfriend countless times.

The cheating aside - if it's even fair to call what Matthew did cheating - there was also the fact that Matthew hadn't spoken to Gilbert in 6 years. What if their spark had died? Matthew wasn't even sure he was capable of loving someone who had left him for such a long time.

And that alone made Matthew Williams feel like a selfish coward. A worthless piece of trash. It wasn't Gilbert's fault he'd fallen into a coma! So how could Matthew blame him and accuse the albino of leaving him? _How could Matthew be so selfish?_


	3. Chapter 3

**So, for starters, sorry for the wait. It's only been a week, but still. I just don't want to post EVERY SINGLE DAY because it'll get less views. R&amp;R **

Matthew continued sitting in the cursed hallway for another full hour, though to him it felt like it'd been years. A doctor walked out of Gilberts room and smiled slightly at Matthew. "Gilbert Beilschmidt is awake. There are some things I will need to tell you before you can see him, but he is awake. You should be glad for that."

Almost instantly Matthew was standing, ready to go into the room. "Please hurry and tell me what I need to know. I want to see him." His face portrayed fear, worry, regret, and anxiousness. As they say, he was wearing his emotions on his sleeves.

"I understand your urgency, but there is some rather bad news that you need to know. And unfortunately I cannot tell you anything just yet. Family must be told first, then they decide whether or not anyone else is to know."

Matthew's brain screamed at him to protest, and so he began to say, "It's never been like that before-" but the doctor cut him off.

"There has never been a change in his condition before. Now please, go home and get some rest. We'll call you just as soon as we have permission to let you know Gilberts state."

Matthew was silent. Something bad had happened to Gilbert and he wasn't allowed to know about it… He clenched his teeth and fist in anger. He had to wait for Gilbert's family to know first, and that meant Ludwig. Ludwig was Gilbert's only true family left.

Once again, Matthew began to protest. "What if his brother doesn't come? He hasn't even visited for years, so what if he still doesn't come despite-"

"There's no need to worry about that," came a voice from down the hall, once again halting Matthew's objections. Both Matthew and the doctor turned to see a tall man walking towards them. "You make it sound like I don't even care about my brother Canada. Please, just let me take care of this quickly. I have work to get back to."

Matthew tried so hard not to, but he really couldn't help but glare at Ludwig - or, should he say, Germany. Sure, running a country is hard, but family should always come first! And either way, Matthew was a country too and he still had time for Gilbert! Sure, he'd stopped coming to visit for a really long time… But now that Gilbert was awake it would all be better now! Right?

He watched in annoyed silence as the doctor and Germany walked into the hospital room, and through the temporarily opened door he could hear the most beautiful sound…

He heard the sound of Gilbert speaking. It was hard to make out his words, but the mumble sounded like a groggy and strained, 'Hey Doc!' The fact that Gilbert could speak again, comprehensible or not, was a miracle to Matthew's ears!

But it was taken from him within seconds as that damn hospital room door closed and left him standing in bitter silence.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later Matthew heard the click of a door opening and immediately jumped from his seat. He mildly noticed the pain in his ass from sitting so long, but gave it no concern as he sped towards the doctor whom was accompanied by the ever stoic Ludwig.

"So? Can I see him now? Can someone tell me what's going on exactly?" the Canadian asked urgently. He needed to speak with Gilbert soon or he feared he'd go insane. He'd waited done his waiting, six years of it, and now he had a chance to see his lover and it was being held away from him.

There was a pause filled with silence before the doctor turned to Ludwig. "This is your decision. I can have no say. But I do advise that you let me tell him what has happened."

With a curt nod, Ludwig took a step forward. "You can see him. You'll probably be able to help anyways." He began walking away, and it was fairly obvious that he was leaving. "Canada, I must warn you though…" He stopped, and was now standing beside Matthew.

It suddenly occurred to Matthew just how much taller and stronger Ludwig was then him.

"Do not ever imply that I don't care about my brother. Don't assume things based on history you don't know, nor understand." And with that, Germany walked away down the hall, eventually turning in the direction Matthew knew led towards the front exit.

Canada allowed the other words to sink in, taking in every word one step at a time. Had he been a bit too quick to judge Germany's feelings to Prussia?

"I want to see him. Please, hurry up and tell me what I need to know," Matthew said to the doctor calmly, deciding he would either kill or apologize to Ludwig later.

With a nod the doctor sat down and gestured for Matthew to do the same. Matthew did, of course, and waited anxiously to finally receive an answer. "I'm sure you're aware that the reason Gilbert fell into his comatose was because-"

"Because his country fell and it was finally catching up to his body, I know that. But he's awake now. So what's happening to him now?" Matthew didn't care about what he already knew. He wanted answers to all the mysteries of the present, not the past.

The doctor sighed. "I was getting to that. Anyways, his country falling caught up to his body all at once and overwhelmed him. It sent him into a comatose. I'll be honest, we all expected him to die due to his country being dead." He paused, but not for long. Matthew was looking rather fearful and impatient. "But he didn't die, obviously. Though… It appears he's no longer a country. He's become… Well, he has become human. Nor does he have any memory of ever being country - or rather, I should say, he doesn't have any memory at all."

It took a moment, but when Matthew realized what the doctor was saying it hit him all at once like a brick wall. "Can his memory be recovered? Will he be okay? What did he say when he saw Germany - er, Ludwig?"

"Slow down ," the doctor said calmly, placing a hand on Canada's shoulder. The nation assumed it was meant as a reassuring gesture. "His memory can be restored. Seeing something or someone close to him might help; I suppose that's why everyone thinks you may be able to help."

On instinct, Matthew asked, "Who's everyone?"

"Mr. Ludwig, the doctor who was on call whenever you used to visit, and the nurses… Your place next to him has not gone unnoticed."

Matthew couldn't help but smile a bit. "Can I see him now?" he asked anxiously. He knew that Gilbert may not remember him, but he also knew that the doctor had said seeing something or someone he knew might jog his memory.

The nod of approval was all Matthew needed before he raced into the hospital room.


	4. Chapter 4

**BOO! Haha, I'm so mean. I've been making you guys wait even though I had this ready. I just didn't want to go through the process of updating because I'm lazy. But now I'm procrastinating on homework, so enjoy! Thanks for all the R&amp;R's! I love reviews most, so keep them coming!**

He ran into the room, coming to a quick and sudden stop once he reached the edge of the bed. Tears burned at the back of his eyes. There he was… Just sitting there on the bed as if it was a normal day and everything was the same as it usually was. Matthew's throat burned and after a second of staring he attempted to speak.

"Hi," he blurted out lamely, and he knew his voice was pitched much higher than it should have been.

There was silence for a minute or so. Red eyes stared at violet ones as if trying to remember something long lost. It didn't even occur to Matthew that Gilbert was in fact trying to remember him.

"Hey," the albino replied, his accent thick and his voice still sounding odd as his vocal chords attempted to adjust to being used.

Matthew wasn't surprised to find that some tears ran down his face. "I…" he choked back a small sob. He was so happy he was sure that his heart was going to explode. "How are you doing?"

"I could ask you the same thing," Gilbert smiled, coughing a bit after he spoke.

Matthew beamed even more. "Do you remember who I am?"

"Huh?" Gilbert stared for a moment, before shaking his head. "Oh, damn, sorry. No. I just meant that… Well, you're crying and all…"

"Oh." Matthew's smile, as radiant as it had been, came to a sudden end. "Do you remember anything at all?"

"No, sorry…" Gilbert ran a hand through his white hair, frowning. "This might sound stupid, but should I remember you?"

"Well, you lost your memory so I guess not…" Matthew sat down in the chair beside Gilbert's bed, sighing heavily. "My name's Matthew… I'm your-" he stopped, and he almost broke into tears once again.

He couldn't tell Gilbert. He just couldn't. It wouldn't be right.

"I'm your best friend," he lied, putting on his bravest smile. "We're roommates too. We lived together for a year before you went into a coma."

Gilbert grinned. "Oh. Okay. That is awesome! Sorry I don't remember you… Hopefully i will soon." He sat up, and Matthew instinctively moved to help him, placing a hand on Gilberts back and his shoulder.

"Careful," the Canadian smiled, "You don't wanna get hurt again… Getting dizzy or hurting your head might make you pass out for another six years…" He chuckled bitterly.

"S-Six years?!" Gilbert gasped, "Nobody told me I was out for six years! Mein gott!" His eyes were wide, and he was fully sitting up now.

Matthew let out a small squeal of surprise due to the sudden outburst. "Sorry! I didn't mean to scare you! I just thought-"

"It's okay Birdie," Gilbert smiled, laughing a bit. "I was only kidding!"

"Gilbert Beilschmidt!" Matthew scolded, "How many times do I have to tell you not to-" he cut himself off, then frowned and looked down at his feet. "Actually, never mind. I guess you must have forgot that I hate jump scares like that…" He trailed off a bit, then looked back up. "Did you just call me birdie?"

Gil rubbed the back of his head and chuckled. "Well, that sound you made when I scared you… It reminded me of a bird. One of those loud and annoying ones. Hence, you are now Birdie. Awesome, right?"

"You think I'm loud and annoying?" Matthew asked, his head tilted. Gilbert had never said something like that to him before. While he knew this wasn't exactly the same Gilbert as he had fallen in love with, it still hurt to hear something like that.

"Not really. But Birdie is a good nickname for you, so forget about that un-awesome part. Kay?" Gilbert grinned, messing up Matthew's hair purposely.

While Matthew fixed up his hair he smiled just a bit. "Okay." Gilbert was saying the word awesome just as much as he ever had. He at least still had a Gilbert personality, what with all the awesomeness and jump scarring and stuff…

"Mr. Beilschmidt needs to get some sleep," a nurse notified as she walked into the room. "I'm sorry, but all visitors have got to leave."

Matthew nodded, then turned to Gilbert with a fake but realistic smile. "I've got to go. I'll see you tomorrow, I promise. I lo-" he coughed in order to cut himself off. He almost told Gilbert he loved him!

"Alright! I'll see you tomorrow Birdie! Don't be late!" Gilbert grinned happily, laying back down in his white hospital room. "Make sure you've got my room ready for me! I don't plan to be here long!"

"Of course Gil," Matthew smiled brightly, but it was a very fake smile. How could he truly be happy when he was lying so mercilessly to Gilbert? Of course, telling the truth would be just as cruel, if not worse. And so, though it hurt, he decided to stick to his plan and force Gilbert into 'friend-zoning' him without even knowing it. Gilbert obviously deserved someone better anyways. Someone more faithful.

"Bye Gil," Matthew smiled as he walked out of the room. As he shut the door, he could hear Gilbert yell him a farewell.

Matthew's smiled fell as he walked to his car. It didn't return at all during his drive home. He didn't bother cooking dinner when he got home, for he simply wasn't hungry. However, he did have a cup of tea. Earl Grey; not exactly his favorite, but delicious nevertheless. He then went to bed, laying silently on the white sheets with the grey comforter surrounding his body.

He remembered how the exact bed he laid in had once smelled of Gilbert, and how it used to be warm with the mans natural heat. Matthew remembered how he used to never feel lonely when lying in this bed, for Gilbert's arms surrounded him as he slept. he couldn't help but notice how, over the years of Gilbert's absence, he'd taken residence in the albinos side of the bed.

Matthew was overcome with memories.

Matthew Williams, the country of Canada, the second largest country in the world, cried himself to sleep that night.

He hated himself for not having cried to sleep over Gilbert in over a year.


End file.
